The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Randomize
