I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
