JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize