Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Threesome in a minivan. New low
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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