I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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