Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
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