You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize