so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
