You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
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