You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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