i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
He has the fingertips of a God
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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