My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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