In the future we'll all be gay
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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