And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
