i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
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