ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
