Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
