I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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