I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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