highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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