She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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