But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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