That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
third nipple confirmed
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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