when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
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