shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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