after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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