I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
