Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize