you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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