so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
