the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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