I wanna passion pit in your ass
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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