I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Randomize
