How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
