I'm sorry my penis didn't work
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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