i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
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