Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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