Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
