oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
