Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
