i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
