Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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