the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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