lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
