I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
