I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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