We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
