I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
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