why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
