Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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