the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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