I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Randomize
