The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
