how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
