If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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