help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
