is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
You are a booty call, not a friend.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
